I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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