My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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