I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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