What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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