My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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