You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
