Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
