You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
