life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
