Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
