...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
