420 ftw
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Everyone says I win the strip club
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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