I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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