I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
