Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
