I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
