Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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