I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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