why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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