In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
