Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
