he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
