Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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