so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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