i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
