I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
