I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
