I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
