Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
