Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
