her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
