dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
