Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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