so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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