We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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