I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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