and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
