I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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