I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
you would pick up someone in the library
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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