Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
