I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
