Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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