oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
