If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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