he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
