I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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