My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
