Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
