"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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