Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
