if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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